Top 10 Obsessions: November 2023

1. Animal Crossing: My solace this month has been my little island in New Horizons. I don't think I've played this much since I got my own switch (and before that since 2020). There's just so much comfort in it. The daily grind of shaking trees, digging up fossils, planting my money tree, picking up seashells, chatting with villagers, buying a sketchy art piece, catching fish or bugs, selling items for bells, donating items to the museum, just feels so nice. I even worked on a couple projects and built multiple bridges/inclines.

2. Reading: There's so many books in my TBR pile and yet I still reach for e-books. I have kindle unlimited so whenever I have a random mood hit, I can find something. I'm up to 48 out of my 52 book goal, so that's 4 more for the rest of the year. I might try to read 3 extra, just because there were 3 under 100 page stories I've read this year. This month I finished a hockey romance and a holiday romance.

3. Being cozy: As it's gotten colder and darker, the more I want to burrow into a pile of blankets and never come out. When it's like this, it's important for me to try to embrace the coziness to shake out the bleh. We finally had to turn the heat on. I hung up more lights around the house and finished the garden clean up. Pulled out the fuzzy socks and sweaters. Been getting into the tea and hot cocoa (shoutout to land o'lakes hazelnut cocoa because it's my favorite). Eating more wintery meals like roasted squash and cabbage roll casserole.

4. Work: Still takes up like a third of my life but it hasn't been that bad this month.

5. Watching movies: My partner has been really down lately. His answer to that has been to watch movie franchises back to back. And because he watches them, I'm watching them at least partially. We've completed beginning to end: Twilight, the new Star Treks, and Transformers. Seperate from the franchise binge, we also watched V For Vendetta, The Meg 2, Catwoman, Nope, Three Thousand Years of Longing, Renfield, Howl's Moving Castle, Dan in Real Life, Planes Trains and Automobiles, Runaway Bride, and Across The Spider-verse.

6. Making food: We've really been on a budget lately so we aren't eating out as much. Sometimes I have the energy and it's fine. Some days I just don't and it sucks. And if there's a specific craving, it has to wait. I am the better cook and so I do a lot of that. But we make a lot of easy meals since the energy level is not usually there to do anything wild.

7. Music: I had a very up and down month with music. There was a lot of time I didn't listen much. New Blue Sun came out though and we had it on repeat for days. First time through, we listened front to back while doing stuff around the house. Going to bed? Turned it on with the volume down low. Waking up? Popped it on. It just had this healing moment. A silly little fact: before it came out, I had heard Mrs Jackson every day at work for the entire month and had a whole night where I just listened to The Love Below until I needed to go to bed. I didn't even know it was coming out but apparently my brain was ready for it.

8. My Time At Portia: I had a little stint of playing this after I saw My Time At Sandrock came out. I really love this but I kinda have to be in the mood for it. It's very cozy but also very time management. I love the art and the story and characters and the festivals. 

9. Prep work: Spent a good amount of effort on prepping the house for Thanksgiving. Ugh, being an adult is just being responsible for own cleaning and planning and always being tired.

10. Poetry: At the beginning of the month I had a few moments of inspiration and actually wrote some things. Writing is so draining though. I've been so tired that I need comfort and it fizzled out.

Top 5 "Songs" of the Month
1. New Blue Sun album - Andre 3000
2. Bad Behavior - Austin Millz, Remi Wolf
3. Bad Dream - Cannons
4. Deli - Ice Spice
5. get him back! - Olivia Rodrigo

oops, all mental illness?

    So I've never been to a therapist. I may be grasping at terms that feel correct but are not, so like sorry in advance for that I guess? 

    I tend to be really introspective and prefer my own company to most people. In the past few years I have finally recognized a pattern in myself that has gotten more prominent with time. I have a ton of hobbies and cycle through them all the time. Tons. Sometimes more get added in. But I always latch onto an interest (or person) at some point. For example, I'll obsess over writing, perhaps a certain song grabs hold of me, maybe leading a healthy lifestyle will be all I think about, could be physics or travel or DIYs or painting or tarot or a game. I might crave interaction with only a specific friend or acquaintance. And that will last for however long it wants.

    I can only describe it as hyperobsessions. With my partner, I call it 'having a Thing'. They consume me. My focus is on that topic alone. Accessing any info in my mind unrelated is a CHORE. I fully invest, mind body soul, whether I want to or not. The work I put into these Things is never something that I'm like 'wow, that's a healthy way to feel about this'. I sometimes try to slow it down to avoid burn out and have some semblance of a healthy relationship with the Thing. Thing usually says no though. I can hide it sometimes and even if someone asks me questions about my interests, I can usually keep it cool. My outlook is that the general population doesn't really care about anyone or anything outside of their own bubble so I can just give a practiced answer to not raise suspicion about me being 3 weird little creatures in a trenchcoat. I just feel bad for the people who KNOW that I'm 3 weird little creatures in a trenchcoat, and I try really hard to moderate myself to appropriate levels to not drive people away.

    To go down a quick little rabbit hole though, I'm not sure if I'm fully invested in believing horoscopes, but I do love studying all the ins and outs. So if it matters to anyone reading, I sometimes blame it on the Scorpio Mercury in my chart. I have always hated telling people close to me anything of any importance about myself. Word vomit on the passing strangers of the internet, with a vague sense of anonymity? Sure, whatever. Going through the intricate details of whatever I'm into with my parents, siblings, co-workers, or normie friends? Yikes, no thanks.

    Anyway, I wouldn't call the hyperobsessions a 'high' but when I don't have a Thing, my mood goes so low. I get sad, restless, upset, short-tempered, numb, hopeless, anxious. Sometimes I'll put myself in denial and force feed myself a Thing to try to avoid the depression. But if it just doesn't take, you can find me laying staring at a wall or ceiling, disassociating into oblivion. And you might say 'why the fuck don't you do something else?'. Great question. I do try doing different things to jumpstart a Thing and the absolute lack of feeling frustrates me into an even worse state of agitation. Like with the Thing itself, this time lasts as long as it wants. Sometimes I really just have to wait for a Thing to take hold while I go about a robotic life. Eventually something random sparks inspiration.

Long story short though: I don't have a Thing right now despite trying several interests and I'm barely holding off the low by forcing myself to finish a book I don't care about anymore. 🙃✌️

Top 10 Obsessions: October 2023

1. Training at work: I have finally been getting trained in all the new tasks I was hired for with my last promotion. It's exciting because some of it is what I've been wanting to do since I was initially hired. The realization though is that it's only a small percentage of what the job is. It's a lot of responsibility overall. And while I don't mind that, I've been grappling with the leadership aspect. Because of my seniority lots of people ask me lots of questions on the daily. It gets overwhelming sometimes because everyone is so new. The imposter syndrome gets overwhelming too. I always feel so lacking and like everyone can see how bad I am at it all. Maybe someday that will subside.

2. Starfield: Still have been playing a lot of Starfield. It's been my thing to veg out with after work. Even if most of the time I get an hour in and fall asleep on the couch with the controller in my hands. I've still been enjoying it, bugs and all. There's plenty I could rant about improving, but for newly released content, I can work with it. I haven't used the new game + feature yet but the temples are rubbish.

3. Cleaning: I've been trying to keep up with regular cleaning around the house but there's always more and you constantly have to do the same shit over and over. I've also been trying to get some deep cleaning out of the way. I wish I could find a way to maybe enjoy it? Find something about it that doesn't make me feel resentful that I was born. Like I have to do it to feel any sense of calm. With the changing seasons it's important that anything I can do to help myself mentally feel ok, I must do it. But FUCK, I hate cleaning so much!

4. Music: There were a lot of musical moods this month. I feel like october is always a mishmash with the change in weather. My musical focus was mainly on working with my 'chaotic cottage' series. The concept is that my dream in life is to own a cottage deep in the redwoods that is small and quirky but all mine. The playlist is an expression of the freedom I'd have to be fully myself in all its forms. The playlist is slightly based off Hannah Lee Duggan videos from youtube. Just the cottagecore vibe with DIYs but also just the chaos of it. Anyway, I also worked on some seasonal playlists. Some autumn vibes but I don't know if I should condense what I have or expand into multiple playlists. I worked on my halloween specific playlist too. I am incredibly intrigued by the daylists that spotify generates as well. I've gotten some fun ones this month, like: Brunch Roller Skating Sunday Afternoon, Light Academia Violin Thursday Evening, and Surf Crush Movie Monday Night. Soft Floaty Saturday Evening is super accurate though. I think the daylists are a fun idea, despite it being weird that it seems to know what I listen to when.

5. Dreams: I've been doing a bit of a deep dive on my dreams this month, as you may or may not have noticed. It's kinda fun to relive some of them. My dreams inspire me to write sometimes, especially this time of the year. Maybe the deep dive, when continued, will bring more insight. Mostly it's just fun time spent re-examining my mind from some more povs.

6. Autumnal vibes: Sometimes I remember that being an adult is keeping the joy alive by doing traditions and partaking in seasonal activities. I ate a bunch of apples with caramel dip, bought an apple cinnamon candle, pulled out all the blankets to the couch, and switched out the summer comforter for the winter one. It started raining again and I was so excited. The moody grey days are my favorite. They always make me want to chill in bed all day though. So when my period hit, I did. Just watched studio ghibli movies while I went in and out of sleep, clutched my heating pad, and ate 'birthday cake' mini chocolate bars.

7. Binge reading: I didn't read many books but when I did, I binged. I read an alien cowboy novella, reread one of my favs (most of the way), and started a hockey romance. I need to finish the last one. I got half way, loved it the whole time, and then just haven't picked it up since. I don't know why I dropped it other than it's long.

8. Making Zuppa: It's finally autumn which means it's soup season! It's just funny because I have made my favorite, Zuppa Toscana, three times already this month. I made it once because I was craving it, once for a soup potluck, and once as my dad's birthday request. I could eat this soup for breakfast, lunch, and dinner, and I did. It's main ingredients are potato, italian sausage, bacon, and kale, and it's so delicious.

9. Trying to go to bed but then missing my bedtime by a long shot: Yeah, I don't know how I do it. It's been rough this month for this reason. I've been so tired hours before that I want to sleep but I keep myself up to go to bed on time. But, SURPRISE, its an hour or two after my assigned bedtime and my eyes refuse to take the sleep bait. I try to fudge my alarms to get a bit more sleep, but I just need to really crack down on getting to bed when my bedtime alarm goes off.

10. Family drama: I never thought I had any family drama, but I thought about it this month and I guess I do. I don't really want to talk about it but I've realized some things about some people. And I've started a journey to accepting the situation as it is. I just worry others may realize the same things far too late to course correct. But that's none of my business...

Top 5 Songs of the Month
1. Funny Thing - Thundercat
2. Passionfruit - Yaeji
3. Homegirl - Sabrina Claudio
4. Floating - Alina Baraz, Khalid
5. Mrs. Officer - Lil Wayne