oops, all mental illness?

    So I've never been to a therapist. I may be grasping at terms that feel correct but are not, so like sorry in advance for that I guess? 

    I tend to be really introspective and prefer my own company to most people. In the past few years I have finally recognized a pattern in myself that has gotten more prominent with time. I have a ton of hobbies and cycle through them all the time. Tons. Sometimes more get added in. But I always latch onto an interest (or person) at some point. For example, I'll obsess over writing, perhaps a certain song grabs hold of me, maybe leading a healthy lifestyle will be all I think about, could be physics or travel or DIYs or painting or tarot or a game. I might crave interaction with only a specific friend or acquaintance. And that will last for however long it wants.

    I can only describe it as hyperobsessions. With my partner, I call it 'having a Thing'. They consume me. My focus is on that topic alone. Accessing any info in my mind unrelated is a CHORE. I fully invest, mind body soul, whether I want to or not. The work I put into these Things is never something that I'm like 'wow, that's a healthy way to feel about this'. I sometimes try to slow it down to avoid burn out and have some semblance of a healthy relationship with the Thing. Thing usually says no though. I can hide it sometimes and even if someone asks me questions about my interests, I can usually keep it cool. My outlook is that the general population doesn't really care about anyone or anything outside of their own bubble so I can just give a practiced answer to not raise suspicion about me being 3 weird little creatures in a trenchcoat. I just feel bad for the people who KNOW that I'm 3 weird little creatures in a trenchcoat, and I try really hard to moderate myself to appropriate levels to not drive people away.

    To go down a quick little rabbit hole though, I'm not sure if I'm fully invested in believing horoscopes, but I do love studying all the ins and outs. So if it matters to anyone reading, I sometimes blame it on the Scorpio Mercury in my chart. I have always hated telling people close to me anything of any importance about myself. Word vomit on the passing strangers of the internet, with a vague sense of anonymity? Sure, whatever. Going through the intricate details of whatever I'm into with my parents, siblings, co-workers, or normie friends? Yikes, no thanks.

    Anyway, I wouldn't call the hyperobsessions a 'high' but when I don't have a Thing, my mood goes so low. I get sad, restless, upset, short-tempered, numb, hopeless, anxious. Sometimes I'll put myself in denial and force feed myself a Thing to try to avoid the depression. But if it just doesn't take, you can find me laying staring at a wall or ceiling, disassociating into oblivion. And you might say 'why the fuck don't you do something else?'. Great question. I do try doing different things to jumpstart a Thing and the absolute lack of feeling frustrates me into an even worse state of agitation. Like with the Thing itself, this time lasts as long as it wants. Sometimes I really just have to wait for a Thing to take hold while I go about a robotic life. Eventually something random sparks inspiration.

Long story short though: I don't have a Thing right now despite trying several interests and I'm barely holding off the low by forcing myself to finish a book I don't care about anymore. 🙃✌️